


The Wooden Blacksmith

by txorakeriak



Category: Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: Adult Fairy Tale, Crack, F/M, M/M, Masturbation, Sex Toys, bumblebees, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-01-27
Updated: 2007-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:46:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27605803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/txorakeriak/pseuds/txorakeriak
Summary: Elizabeth makes a life-changing purchase.
Relationships: Elizabeth Swann/Will Turner, James Norrington/Jack Sparrow
Kudos: 2





	The Wooden Blacksmith

**Author's Note:**

> I... don't even know what this is. This is quite insane. Do not take this seriously. Do not try this at home. Read at your own peril. I deny any responsibility considering the effect this fic might have on your brain.

Once upon a time, in the wickedest city of the world, there was a young, proud blacksmith, whose name was Will Turner, and who lived in a nice cottage together with his beloved wife Elizabeth, née Swann. 

Elizabeth was a fair, beautiful woman and many men had wooed her. Now, after three months of marriage, she wondered why she had turned them down. 

But she had always been a determined woman, eager to do something with her life when she got bored with it. Therefore, one day, she made a wise decision. She bought herself a Wooden Blacksmith. 

It looked exactly like her husband's Little Blacksmith, just bigger. And it had another advantage: It didn't talk. It didn't suggest finally starting a family, it didn't call her pet names, it was mute and handy and always ready for her when she needed some attention. A very good choice.

The proud blacksmith didn't remain oblivious to his wife's new acquaintance for long. Headaches and periods accumulated until he started his investigations. When he found the Wooden Blacksmith in Elizabeth's drawer, he didn't know what to think of it at first. It looked so wooden - almost dead! How could it ever be a substitute for a man of flesh and blood and an adventurous nature?

Will was shocked. But he quickly made up his mind. And on a hot summer night, he went into the woods to chop some sticks. He would replace the Wooden Blacksmith, first with less gigantic versions and finally with his own.

***

Elizabeth didn't seem to notice the change. Not that Will thought she would ever talk to him about it, but she looked satisfied and she had not spent any money recently, so he was sure that she was not buying new Wooden Blacksmiths behind his back. He took his time, and when she finally admitted him to her bed again after a couple of weeks, he was glad that his plan had worked. 

Elizabeth was very satisfied with her husband and also surprised. She didn't understand why he suddenly felt good, how it had come to pass that he was suddenly as well-endowed as her favourite toy. He still didn't last too long, and now that he was back in her bed, the dreaded baby talk was too, but she couldn't think of anything else that she could possibly want. 

Yet.

***

One fine day, she was on her way to Commodore Norrington's house. He had long forgiven her for having refused his proposal. In fact, they had even become good friends and occasionally visited each other to exchange news and rumours and spend some nice hours in the Commodore's nice garden. 

She had never really understood what had made the Commodore change his mind about her and why he hadn't even spent a day mourning the loss of such a beautiful fiancée to another man. Today, everything would become clear. All it took was one look into the Commodore's bedroom window as she walked from the locked back door of the house to the front entrance.

Elizabeth was a woman of grace and dignity, but there were occasions when she thought it better not to be. And so she found herself peeping and eavesdropping behind the heavy red window curtains. 

The brave and dashing Commodore had a visitor - not just any visitor, mind you, but the great Captain Jack Sparrow, the perfect image of a rogue and libertine - and they were doing most unspeakable things together; on the Commodore's very bed, even. 

The moment the two men reached their blissful point of culmination, Elizabeth felt all empty inside. Her former fiancé, from what she could see with her own eyes, was in every sense of the word built like a horse - and considering the pirate's lustful cries, he knew exactly what to do.

Disappointed and angry, she ran away and into town. She needed to do something about this. She couldn't bear the fact that some despicable pirate had a better sex life than she did. 

When she got home, there was something in her shopping bag: the latest model of the Wooden Blacksmith and the biggest on the market. It was quite enormous, almost too good to be true, and if that weren't enough, the box in which it was packed said that it came with a special surprise. 

Eager to find out what this surprise was, she rushed up the stairs to the bedroom. Nobody would disturb her - Will was still working at the smithy, which was very fortunate - and so she took her time to carefully unpack her newest acquisition and look at it from every possible angle. It didn't take her long to find out that the model did indeed come with a special surprise. Inside the Wooden Blacksmith, there was a swarm of bumblebees flying around with a loud buzz. 

It was most fascinating. She couldn't wait to try it out. Hastily, she took her clothes off and slipped under the blanket of her bed, wondering what effect the interesting vibrations of the Wooden Blacksmith would have between her legs. 

***

When the adventurous blacksmith returned from work that night, the first thing he saw was his adored wife running down the stairs towards him, a painful expression on her face, tears running down her cheeks. He had not seen her so upset before! She collapsed into his arms with both her hands pressed between her legs as if she was just about to give birth, and in between loud sobs, she told him about a stick of wood, a bumblebee, and a miraculous escape. 

Will didn't understand anything. When Elizabeth had explained everything best as she could in her condition, he figured that she had just missed him too much. Well, he knew how to remedy that. Carefully, he heaved her onto the sofa and put his fingers on his breeches, but he stopped mid-motion when he noticed something most extraordinary and unexpected: Elizabeth was shaking her head fiercely and had started crying again.

Will was confused, but he was confused most of the time, so it wasn't exactly news. 

He ordered himself to think logically, to examine the facts that were before him. 

Slowly, it dawned on him. With a wide grin, he turned Elizabeth around so that she lay on her stomach. God bless his kinky wife.

Or - not. It seemed as if Elizabeth had some serious objections to lying still. She struggled free from his grasp, turned around and yelled so loudly Will thought his pointy ears would fall off. Apparently, there was a bumblebee and he should fetch a doctor. 

Will understood. Quickly, he rushed into the kitchen to get a fly swatter. He was determined to put an end to this animalistic adultery and if it ended in the death of one of the partakers - the one with the prick, of course - so much the better. 

Elizabeth didn't quite share his enthusiasm. When he produced his weapon, her face showed plain horror. And not even his affirmations about practising with the fly swatter three hours a day helped to calm her down. 

Suddenly, there was a loud buzz not to far from where Will was standing, and only an instant later, the inevitable had happened: The bee had stung again, and Will's Blacksmith was swelling and swelling - enough to make Elizabeth stop crying. 

She would have never expected that there was such an easy solution to their marital problems.

***

Whereas Elizabeth couldn't get enough of the new helpers, Will was soon fed up with them. He couldn't even remember the original size of his blacksmith. This had to stop. 

So one day, in his smithy, he chopped his wife a new Wooden Blacksmith, soldered to a big box. Inside, there was a motor. Donkey-powered. 

And they lived a satisfied life ever after.


End file.
